Part 2 of my satirical sentiment.
Good morning, Coug fans!
Sorry about last week’s delay, life has been a bit hectic lately!
Let’s get right into it. Once again, imagine you’re at happy hour with your friends, Dirty Shirley’s are flowing- your official drink of the summer. You’re feeling… dare I say… fun and flirty. It’s a dangerous cocktail of mischief and being tired of the monotony of single life. “Spice it up!” you tell yourself. You open the dreaded dating app. Coffee meets Bagel. Hinge. Bumble. Tinder. There’s literally a dozen more.
Except, to your surprise, the settings are switched! Instead of singles between the ages of 23-27 within a five-mile radius, you’re faced with all the Pac-12 South schools. Here we go.
“6’2 if it matters” greets you with the immediate presence of someone who peaked in kindergarten. This guy will debate and defend all the classic Western philosophers- he has a soft spot for the materialistic monarch Thomas Hobbes, and he’ll defend that material goods are prime, and government can have absolute power, over Nobu on his dad’s black card. There’s something just slightly off-putting about all the pictures on his profile, and you can’t quite place it- until it hits you. He looks exactly the same in every single picture. Making the same exact face. He’s conventionally attractive so at first, you don’t notice, but it’s as if someone cropped his face onto all the same pictures. One of him skiing- same smile. At the beach in Hawaii- same exact face. Maybe he’s just consistent, but nonetheless, all your friends agree that it’s creepy, and since we date by committee and no dating profile is left un-judged by the entire panel, he gets voted off the island.
The song he carefully selected as his “anthem” is, predictably, ‘UCLA’ by RL Grime featuring 24hrs. This song opens with the clever lyrics, rhyming “she just moved to LA” with “go to UCLA”. It will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day. His profile doesn’t say this explicitly, but you can tell he only drinks Fiji water. In at least 3 of his pictures, he is wearing one of those workout headbands, but he isn’t working out in any of them. You can tell he had the Justin Bieber haircut (the Baby era, not Boyfriend era- there is a difference) for longer than his peers, and he still has a bit of a complex about it- thus the headband? UCLA seems almost oblivious to his own vibes, and his bio is just “here for a good time, not a long time” and the hang loose emoji. You aren’t sure what you and UCLA would talk about, aside from surfing.
This guy talks about his study abroad a loooooot. But you would too if you lived in Tempe. He’s funny but he’s not that interesting! His profile is pretty standard. Only four pictures, but enough to tell what he looks like. He overuses the cactus emoji. He has the link to his photography account that he hasn’t posted on since 2018, and the pictures are mediocre at best. His bio says he can “totally out drink you” and you just know he’s a Jack and coke guy. Or, if he and ‘the boys’ are feeling Totally Crazy, a tequila sprite. But he orders the mixer first and complains about how often he gets carded. Arizona State would try to take you hiking, but the hike is just walking around the desert. You are thirsty, sunburned, and sweaty. He does not understand why this isn’t a fun date. You go for margaritas after, and he gets tipsy at an alarming rate and starts talking about how he doesn’t think he actually wants to be a doctor, he just wants to “travel the Earth”. You never hear from him again.
This guy was so good at playing the trumpet in fourth grade, and everyone gave him incredible amounts of praise for it, and he’s been riding that high ever since. He’s cocky, he’s fast-paced, and he would ask for your Snapchat- and use that as the primary form of any communication going forward. His bio is just “Bear down, Baby”, and most of his pictures are of him at different music festivals. He does the ‘no smile, point at the camera’ pose. He dresses up as the same thing for Halloween every year, and that costume is a Sheriff’s uniform with aviators. This guy would be the reason you relate to Taylor Swift’s song Dear John. To prevent the inevitable gaslighting, you swipe left.
This profile closely resembles the University of Oregon’s, which you saw last time your friends talked you into doing this, except Colorado is even more of a stoner. There’s a video on his profile, it has no sound, and it’s him doing a trick on a skateboard- he falls over. You find great amusement in this, and pass it around the entire table. Colorado’s profile leans more towards the type of guy who watches a lot of Rick and Morty, and ultimately his lack of ambition would drive you up the wall. You do find yourself considering a right swipe, only because he for sure has a lot of flannels that you could “borrow”- but at the end of the day, you’d just have nothing in common. You probably wouldn’t even get to the stealing his flannel phase of the relationship, and it wouldn’t be worth it to try. You catch yourself scrolling to the bottom, and his most recent music artists are Skrillex and Bob Marley. This alone gives you whiplash.
Every single picture, and I mean every single picture on this profile is him snowboarding. There is not one clear picture of his face. He is in a helmet in all of them, except the video of him on the ski lift doing a shot of fireball with his goggles on. He links his Instagram, and it’s the same pictures. So you go into his tagged photos- for some reason you just need to know what this guy looks like! It’s driving you nuts! You find his ex-girlfriend from high school, so you click on her profile. Their prom picture is kind of cute. You click on the comment section, where he expressed the deeply heartfelt sentiment: “prom was totally a move cutie”. You go to Facebook and type in his name- you find his mom’s profile. She’s adorable and reposts Tasty food videos. You think “I’m not a snowboarder, but maybe he and I can make it work- his mom is so precious!” You realize this is insane. After a sip of water, you just decide to delete the app entirely. It’s better this way.
I hope everyone enjoyed this truly unhinged series of articles! I’ll be back next week, likely with something similarly ridiculous! Stay hydrated, keep your standards high, and Go Cougs!
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