Seahawks? SEAHAWKS? You’re talkin SEAhawks?
Overreaction Power Rankings are back! Ugly as ever. Like the officiating, which is lame to complain about, but they’re bad in every game so it’s not like this constitutes whining. Just statement of fact.
Some highlights/lowlights from last week’s rankings:
- Panthers were 25th, and won
- Chiefs were 22nd, and won
- Jaguars were 13th, and lost
- Cardinals were 2nd, and lost even worse than the Seahawks
And then, Monday night, the [redacted] defeated the [also redacted]. So now, many, many teams will pay the price/reap the benefits of a ranking system based on the hottest commodity of the 21st century: overreaction. Only a complete lack of perspective keeps our economy rolling now, so this column is glad to do its part.
Final quick note before the reveal: five teams in the bottom eight won and four teams in the top five lost. Mayhem. It’s not just a commercial in America.
32. Texans (1-8), no change
If a team could lose the bye, it’s the Texans. Will someone check if they lost the bye and report back?
31. Jets (2-7), down 3
[your ad here]
30. Lions (0-8-1), up 1
The Lions did not win. They Lionned, as they do, and they even convinced the Steelers to Lion for a while, until time ran out and everyone was suddenly an honorary Lion. Actual lions, who are pretty dang dope, should sue the NFL franchise for defamation and claw back some of their damaged pride.
Detroit-Pittsburgh was so full of boneheaded plays that the announcers, and I am not making this up, started asking if either team actually wanted to win the game.
The answer, clearly, was no.
And now, for a topical meme. Everybody stay safe up there in Whatcom Co.
A recap of the Lions vs Steelers game pic.twitter.com/HC9TK4xn0S
— NFL Memes (@NFL_Memes) November 14, 2021
29. Jaguars (2-7), down 16
They will always have 9-6. But that was over a week ago, so it’s irrelevant.
28. Raiders (5-4), down 4
There usually is no shame in losing to the Patrick Mahomes Chiefs, but the Patrick Mahomes Chiefs have been mostly bad this year, so down the tubes you go. Especially after dropping one to the Giants in Week 9.
Scholars will spend decades trying to determine what on Earth DeSean Jackson is trying to do herepic.twitter.com/59YWFYRt8o
— Tom Downey (@WhatGoingDowney) November 15, 2021
It’s hard to understand what, how, and why things like that happen, but at least it wasn’t to the Seahawks. More on those sad souls later.*
27. Steelers (5-3-1), down 10
I mean, they tied the Lions. Sure, with their backup QB. But you can’t escape the fact that…
Rudolph, the wrecked, nosedived here.
(helps if you read it out loud. here. let me help some more)
26. Saints (5-4), down 7
The team currently occupying the NFC’s sixth playoff seed is mired at 26th in our rankings. It sounds preposterous, but New Orleans is without its starting quarterback, its best player, and doesn’t even get to play Seattle any more to pad the ol’ W-L record.
25. Bears (3-6), down 2
The bye comes at a really fortuitous moment for the Bears. Midseason timing; Justin Fields has a chance to catch his breath and reflect on the cool trajectory of his rookie campaign; they’re only a game out of the playoffs. Sorry about the normal paragraph. It’ll be the only one.
24. Seahawks (3-6), down 12
They may never score again.
I’ll leave you with my only good tweet of the weekend.
After rewatching the Seahawks game I’ve come to the conclusion that cilantro is the best herb
— John Fraley (@johndavidfraley) November 15, 2021
OK I lied there was also a Tre Brown tweet that kicked ass, like Tre, but you’ll have to click on the UHPOG column later in the week for that one. Guys. Tre Brown is good.
23. Falcons (4-5), down 8
Difficult loss to process, because you’d think that when they trailed 28-3 right before half, the Falcons had the Cowboys right where they wanted them.
22. 49ers (4-5), up 5
Like, half the NFC is between 21st and 26th, and they deserve it. It’s a bad conference. But this very unexpected Monday night result gives the OPR committee an idea. Listen up, Niners, Rams, and Cards.
In order to overcome the circumstances of the 2021 NFL season, we, the great teams of the NFC West, must band together. Let us no longer be rivals; let us become compatriots; let us graduate to brothers in arms. Let us unite and rise up against the hegemony of the Eastern forces and their pernicious coastal bias.
Let us forge a holy alliance to ensure all four Western teams reach the postseason. The first step is using division games, our shared currency, to lift everyone to within striking distance of nine wins.
The Rams, our models and philosophical front-runners in every way, have kindly jumpstarted the process; now it’s up to our Cardinals to pay it forward next in Seattle. By working together until Week 18, we can ensure four nine-win teams emerge from with the division. The only division worth belonging to — the only true division! Our takeover of the playoffs will be complete. Future generations will tell our tale with reverence and awe! Seize the moment!
It’s a foolproof plan, win-win-win-win for everyone, but mainly the forces of good. Which are us. All of us.
P.S. Don’t read any of my tweets.
21. Broncos (5-5), down 12
Only two teams dropped 12 spots exactly. 12 times 2 is 24, which is half of 48. We will call it the XLVIII curse, if only because it provides an excuse to type XLVIII. XLVIII, XLVIII, X-L-V-I-I-I! Excelvee-eye-eye-eye!
20. Bengals (5-4), no change
19. Giants (3-6), down 3
Why did the Giants drop on their bye week while the Bengals held serve? Analytics, Dave.
18. Dolphins (3-7), up 12
The MIA-BAL matchup featured last week’s 30th ranked team against the 4th. One team won easily, and without even the benefit of the coolest non-scores in NFL history.
Robert Hunt’s amazing touchdown that didn’t count for the Dolphins, but I added music pic.twitter.com/TzM0jhLaXY
— Andrew Weiss (@WeissHockeyTalk) November 12, 2021
Next challenge for the Dolphins? Hanging a 10-spot on the Bills to defeat them in Week Whenever They Play Next.
17. WFT (3-6), up 12
Washington is back in the NFC playoff picture, one game out of the 7th seed. The defense finally fulfilled its promise in routing the Buccaneers. The committee would’ve ranked Washington even higher, except for two chief reasons:
- F-ck Dan Snyder
- Chase Young probably tore his ACL, and that sucks for football fans everywhere
16. Eagles (4-6), up 10
Similar situation to their NFC Eastmates in 17th place, only without the backbreaking injury.
15. Panthers (5-5), up 10
Cam Newton career renaissance, anyone?
CAM NEWTON TOUCHDOWN ON HIS FIRST PLAYpic.twitter.com/QuE7u6Duen
— The Action Network (@ActionNetworkHQ) November 14, 2021
14. Rams (7-3), down 4
Consecutive losses. 0-1 with their OBJ and Von Miller reinforcements. Sean McVay finally went for it on fourth down with a fake, and this happened.
— NFL (@NFL) November 16, 2021
Then, down 24 with 3:52 left, he kicked a field goal. on fourth and goal. Is this your king?
13. Colts (5-5), up 8
I don’t think Indy will catch Tennessee in the division, unless the Titans keep losing a key offensive contributor every week. Ouch.
12. Chargers (5-4), down 4
Never root for the Chargers. Never draft Chargers in fantasy football. Never watch the Chargers. These clauses will self-destruct with the next Chargers win. If it ever happens.
11. Vikings (4-5), up 7
Still not making the playoffs, but let’s not ruin it for the minor league team this week.
10. Browns (5-5), down 5
Only a fool would rank Cleveland in the top 5. Only a fool would believe weakness is strength. Let’s consult an expert on fools.
“My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”… then Paul said, “For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Cor. 12:9-10 Wow, can you believe that? God’s grace is amazing, even when you are weak, you are strong! My, my, my!
— Mr. T (@MrT) September 9, 2021
9. Chiefs (6-4), up 13
Are the Chiefs good again? Not if they falter next week vs. the Cowboys.
8. Ravens (6-3), down 4
You can’t just go and lose to the Dolphins, who barely beat the Texans, who only have one win, and almost beat the Dolphins, who beat you. You just can’t.
7. Buccaneers (6-3), down 4
One more loss and Tom Brady is washed. This paragraph was written in 2016.
6. Cowboys (7-2), up 8
Back in the running for the NFC’s top seed after demolishing the Falcons and watching everyone else rules, the Cowboys are ready to become your favorite team to adopt in the playoffs. ‘Cause it’s not gonna be the Rams, Cards, Bucs or Packers, am I right?
The Cowboys are fun and fun to watch. They paid an aging RB $1 billion and Jerry Jones is a caricature of Jerry Jones and they hired a retread head coach. And they have the audacity to still win football games! It’s almost enough to forgive them for Troy Aikman. Isn’t it?
5. Cardinals (8-2), down 3
They’ll probably be fully healthy by Sunday. Somebody make sure Kliff reads the 49ers blurb from earlier, please.
4. Patriots (6-4), up 3
This is a picture of Mac Jones, child actor. I’m not joking. Other tweets can be jokes — this is real.
— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman) November 15, 2021
3. Packers (8-2), up 8
No defense had ever shut out a Russell Wilson offense. Never mind that it was Wilson doing most of the shutting out, with a series of overthrows and two indefensible decisions in the end zone. Although “indefensible” might be the wrong word
How about some footage from the shutout in Green Bay? Notice the big fat zero under “SEA” on the graphic. That’s how you know it’s the right game.
There’s something about the Packers that makes Russell Wilson fling the absolute stupidest passes into coverage. pic.twitter.com/cdJfKBI8CM
— Mookie Alexander (@mookiealexander) November 15, 2021
2. Bills (7-3), up 4
1. Titans (8-2), no change
Death, taxes, and the Titans atop the Overreaction Rankings. Although there’s some debate about the taxes. NO POLITICS JOHN