In their defense, though: their defense?
Who here thought they’d miss the old days of run-run-pass, huh?
There are scant new ways to state the obvious — the Seattle Seahawks are not a good team — but the overreaction power rankings committee wants to try anyway. Can we justify squeezing them in at 32? The Texans are suddenly competent, the Jets won, the Dolphins are on a roll, and the Lions at least make things interesting and/or watchable.
Since October 7, the fateful date of the Rams game, the Seahawks and Lions have the same amount of losses: six. Detroit avoided a seventh loss by tying Pittsburgh, while Seattle trounced Jacksonville on a Sunday that feels like it was a decade ago.
Truth is, the Seahawks’ seventh-ranked scoring defense (!!!) means something. What exactly, we’re not sure, but something enough to keep them clear of the league’s basement. For now.
As always, the disclaimer: our proprietary OPR rankings are built on overreaction. Each win is rewarded more than it should be and each loss is blown out of proportion. Panic is our preferred currency; recency our preferred bias. There is no perspective. Think of it as the social media of your choosing.
THE ORDURE QUARTER: 32-25
Biggest movers: Panthers -10, Seahawks -5, Jets +7
32. JAX (2-9), down 1
We will save the Suburban Meyer joke for next week.
31. CAR (5-7), down 10
How exactly, in the year 2021, does a starting NFL quarterback produce this line:
5-20-91-0-2, a 5.8 passer rating
I did not omit any digits. They’re all there. Five point eight is not a typo. Take a bow, Cam Newton. A true hero for Mark Sanchezes everywhere.
30. SEA (3-8), down 5
Since Russell Wilson “returned” to the starting lineup three games ago, a full 7 percent of the scoring by your Seattle Seahawks has come via this one play:
Here’s something to cheer everyone up
DJ Reed trying to get Rasheem Green to lateral the ball to him lmaooo he really wanted the ball pic.twitter.com/O4l690rMQR
— voun-tears (@vountee) November 30, 2021
29. NO (5-6), down 1
How have the Saints manage to win five games? More pointedly, how did they win their other four?
28. PIT (5-5-1), down 1
This space hates the Steelers with a rational fury.
27. HOU (2-9), down 3
Finally, a tweet that gives us all the information we need to carry on with our daily business:
— Houston Texans (@HoustonTexans) November 30, 2021
26. DET (0-10-1), no change
We swear, the Lions are going to win one of their final six games. It had just better not be against the, you know whos. Oh god oh no oh shit it’s going to be against the you know whos.
25. NYJ (3-8), up 7
Don’t act like you guys are safe from that #32 slot after one measly win.
THE FRINGE QUARTER 24-17
That’s a New Orleans neighborhood pun! It’s in the wrong paragraph, but who cares!
Biggest movers: Falcons +9, Giants +5, Eagles -6
24. NYG (4-7), up 5
One game out of a playoff spot and they didn’t even get to play the Seahawks this year.
23. CHI (4-7), no change
A major contributing factor in the Bears’ Thanksgiving victory was the Lions getting flagged for 12 men on the field AND calling a timeout at the same time, within the last minute of play, setting up a 3rd and 4 for Chicago and wasting one of their precious clock stoppages. It’s crazy how good Detroit is at manufacturing wins, for their opponent.
Chicago’s gonna have to wait to move up until they earn a win all on their own, like big boys.
22. LV (6-5), no change
Can we root for them now, after everything the players have been through this year? Remember they have K.J.!
By the way, 6-5 is good for fourth place in the AFC West as of this morning. We mentioned this the other week, but every single AFC North and AFC West team is at or above .500.
21. ATL (5-6), up 9
Okay, buckle up everyone. The Falcons have:
- Been outscored by 103 points so far
- Been outgained by .4 yards per play, which is insane
- Lost the turnover battle by five on the season
- Been outperformed by nine percentage points on third downs (46-37)
- The 27th ranked scoring offense and the 31st ranked scoring defense;
and they’re two games better than the Seahawks.
20. PHI (5-7), down 6
19. LAR (7-4), down 2
Frauds. Frauds last week, and frauds this week. Don’t believe it? Believe the stats: Rams are 30th in expected points added per drive since Halloween. Matthew Stafford has 5 TDs and 5 INT during that time. As bad as the Seahawks have been, the Rams have been… only slightly better.
Plus the best stat of all: three straight LA-LA-losses.
We’re not really sure what kind of defense Jalen Ramsey is playing here, but he looks safe at second base.
18. DAL (7-4), down 5
Our lowest division leader. That’s what happens when you lose two in a row while the team chasing you wins two in a row. Hope they’re practicing their mock drafts in Dallas.
17. TEN (8-4), down 5
Derrick Henry broke down, as tends to occur to a human body when it incurs 694 touches
— six hundred and ninety-four —
in a season and a half. As he departed, he took the offense with him. The Titans went from 28.4 ppg to 19.3, including 13 in their last two losses apiece. The Colts are two games out with five to play and have lost the head-to-head tiebreaker, but I wouldn’t write them off in the division.
Ryan Tannehill in the huddle without Derrick Henry, Julio Jones or AJ Brown pic.twitter.com/jzaM8OZms8
— FantasyPros (@FantasyPros) November 21, 2021
THE CLOSE QUARTER: 16-9
Biggest movers: Broncos +6, WFT +6, Chargers -9
16. SF (6-5), up 2
Do they trade Trey Lance while he still has value?
15. LAC (6-5), down 9
The Chargers are the anti-Seahawks: terrible on early downs and evil geniuses on third down. They’re great to watch if you’re not at all invested.
14. DEN (6-5), up 6
13. MIN (5-6), down 5
12. CLE (6-6), down 2
11. MIA (5-7), plus 5
That’s four wins Finagled in a row by the Fins, who looked Finished but instead have Finessed their way into the AFC playofFin’ picture.
10. GB (8-3), up 1
We’re supposed to reward the cheesemongers for what exactly? Failing to score against the Chiefs “defense,” shutting down the Seahawks “offense,” and beating the biggest frauds in the NFL, the “Los Angeles” Rams? We will do no such thing. Up one rung only with you, and that’s being polite.
This was cool though:
33-yard PICK-SIX by @rd32_era!
— Green Bay Packers (@packers) November 28, 2021
This was very wholesome too:
— Green Bay Packers (@packers) November 29, 2021
9. WFT (5-6), up 6
Do you have any idea what it takes to defeat the mighty Seahawks?
Two touchdowns is usually enough.
THE SHINY QUARTER: 8-1
Biggest movers: Bengals +11, Bills +3
8. CIN (7-4), up 11
The poster boys for inconsistency have spent time at numbers 20, 19 and 8 in the short history of our OPR and were briefly the No. 1 seed in the entire AFC in October. Can’t wait to see them burrow their way back down to the bottom again.
7. IND (6-6), no change
But they lost! Yes, to the Bucs, and it was close, and a couple fluky turnovers decided the game, so we wouldn’t want to… overreact to those.
The Colts are our official dark horse in the AFC. Maybe they could pick up Nick Foles for the playoff run?
6. BUF (7-4), up 3
Make up your mind, Bills, are you good or bad? Take a cue from the Seahawks, who’ve smartly made it very clear if they’re good or bad.
5. BAL (8-3), down 1
Meanwhile, the Ravens are the 2020 Seahawks, winning all their close games (6-0 in one-score affairs) while Lamar Jackson plays the How Many Picks Can I Throw And Still Win Challenge popularized by Russell Wilson seven years ago.
(So, naturally, extremely sane Baltimore fans will be calling for John Harbaugh’s head this time next year.)
4. KC (7-4), up 1, BYE
3. NE (8-4), no change
Frickin’ Belichick. Just when we had decided coaches don’t matter!
2. TB (8-3), no change
If you haven’t seen the Antoine Winfield Jr. pick yet, you’re in for a treat.
Antoine Winfield Jr. MOSSED HIM for the INT
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) November 28, 2021
Winfield is 5-foot-9. The strongest Earl Thomas energy. Dammit he shoulda been a Seahawk.
1. ARI (9-2), no change, BYE
Cardinals get a bye, then their playmakers back, and get to play against the overrated NFC West to close out of the season and nab the 1 seed, just so they can lose to the Bucs in the conference title game.